“Is This Weird?”

I recently had a dream in which I was in a prison, with orange jumpsuits, where the prisoners were being killed. I’ll spare you the gruesome details, but that was the gist. I initially thought the dream was about being recognized as a woman, but I soon realized afterward that it was a dream about the consequences of trying to fit in too hard. As a girl with autism, I had begun to doubt my own instincts about what I was doing. I would often not admit to things, like the teenage crush on the Green Ranger, because I thought they were too juvenile or “weird.” And so, as I grew into my 20s, my instincts were constantly being thrown for a loop by my sisters, who wanted me to think that I needed them to survive…to control me. I was constantly thinking I was weird and unfit for society. After they sent me back to my mother, in my state, I relied on her to figure out whether I was too weird and unfit for society. It took me a long time to come to this, but I realized that it was okay to be weird, to be the one who watches anime on the computer, or obsesses over the latest star. I was not okay with being weird for a long time, because it was taught to me that weird was wrong, that it was not okay. Maybe this is my final coming of age, but I have finally figured out that it’s best for me to just be myself, no matter how weird it gets. So, in case you missed it, I am breaking out of my societal prison, and just getting to being myself. I’ve been told this about people who think I’m not that good: Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s