Ugh…I’ve been in a funk the past few days. There is so much negativity going through my head. Somehow, every month, I get a series of such weird questions. I don’t know where they come from. Here are a few examples:
1) Will I be enough to please my man when I finally get to him?
2) Why is a woman’s worth only in her looks on the arm of a man? In short, why is a woman a purse?
3) Will I even have a man who won’t harm me?
4) Am I even destined for a man? I’m pushing 40 and haven’t found a husband yet.
Where do these thoughts even come from? I thought I was a feminist, strong enough to stand on my own without a man. It was not until recently that I even thought of having children. (Long story short, autistic children get bullied. I have PTSD by bullying. Therefore, in order to avoid kids getting PTSD, I will not have children to pass my autism to. Capiche?) Where are those thoughts coming from? I told my mother I did not want children, and she respects that, so the pressure is not coming from her. The troubling thing is, is it coming from me? That troubles me greatly. I thought I was beyond this. I thought I was beyond wanting to get married and pop out units every nine months. What’s wrong with me? Am I a hypocrite?