Forgive me, public. I have been in a funk as of late. This is why you can only see reblogs, or blogs from guests, depending on which media platform you are viewing this on. I think I can finally get beyond it, knowing what it is. I heard a sermon the other Sunday which really hit home. Guess what it was on? Loneliness. I think I finally figured out why I have been in such a bad mood, and pining for a man I clearly do not need. Again, I would like a man, but need in order to survive my loneliness? Not so much. I am doing pretty well, just figuring out how to get beyond the loneliness coming from our fairly cut off existence here on the societal outside of one side of my family, and thousands of miles from any member from the other. (I’m not kidding; I’m in Kentucky, and the closest members of my father’s side are either in California or Washington.) That aside, it gets lonely for my mother and me here. I mean, back in California, where I grew up, my mother would be talking on the phone to just about anyone. We had great friends. Trouble is, we are barely getting our footing here after almost a decade in Kentucky. It has been a rough go as of the past five years. But onward and upward-I have finally figured out how to release the pain of the loneliness I have been feeling in this time, now that I know what it is.
Sometimes, concerning autism, it is difficult to make and keep friendships, especially concerning the ABSOLUTELY FALSE idea that autistics like me don’t want any friends. LIES! FABRICATIONS! SIMPLY NOT TRUE! (Okay, spazz out done for the day.) Due to the difficulty of social interaction and communication, the pain and loss of loneliness is felt much more keenly to me. We are social animals, no matter how much we seem not to be. We are not cats, people. We are not loners or islands. We are the extremely social elephant. (Did you know elephants recognize each other from previous clans they were in?) We are birds and wolves. We form tribes to survive. We autistics want to be in the tribe, though we have no idea how to cultivate that necessary relationship. (I swear the neurotypical learns relationships by osmosis-practically out of the womb.) Saying the autistic does not want relationship is like saying the dyslexic does not want to read. Relationships are hard for me, though I still want one or two outside my mother.
And that’s the problem. People think that a relationship will cure what ails you, especially a heterosexual marriage, for the woman. Romance is touted as a cure-all to women, teaching us to focus all our identity and our energy on getting and keeping men. Whether it’s nature, nurture or too much mainstream media, women fall into the trap that focusing on getting and keeping men is the way to meet all your needs. But what if the man cannot stay, I don’t know, faithful, loyal, or even raises his hands in violence towards you? How is a woman supposed to have her needs met with such opposition?
The answer is not in cultivating relationships with whomever, looking outside to fill your cup. The key is looking inside toward building relationships with yourself and your God. I can hear those of you who don’t believe in God groaning even as this comes to fruition, but it really is the answer. The God or Universe you believe in is the key to filling your cup. Let’s face it, humans are human. They have clay feet, wandering minds and a inability to actually know what you need. They cannot meet your need to connect spiritually. You need someone who can be there all the time, and I believe God can do that through the Holy Spirit. So instead of looking outside for your love and comfort, look in-or look up.