April Post 10: Meet the Angry Autistic Woman 

Looking over my behavior when I am alone, it disturbs me. I swear, I give obscene gestures to random people that are not there, and I am a constant simmering volcano of emotion. I don’t know where all this anger comes from. My mother does not know about this  I don’t like being an angry woman. I don’t like wanting to explode at people all the time. I don’t like having to relive every single day simmering at the edges, and literally stuffing down my emotions with anything I can find in order, like ice cream, to protect everyone else from my feelings.

But, when I look over all the injustice that I received as an autistic person, I get why I am so angry. The rage I feel inside when I see anything that reminds me of my childhood is unbearable at best. Tonight, I saw an episode of “The Goldbergs” which revolved around theater. I never really fit in anywhere in high school, not even theater. I even tried to spell it “theatre” in order to fit in. Then, as I learned later, I was made fun of behind my back for talking to myself. There is a post about that called “Facebook and the Mellaril Nightmare” if you want to read about it. Truth is, the only time I ever really felt accepted in school was on Grad Night. I guess everybody was trying to make a good last impression. Truth be told, I was finally relaxed and relieved that it was all ending.

I spent years trying to find love and acceptance, because I was always unacceptable. I was unacceptable in class, unacceptable with friends, unacceptable in theater (pretentious snobs!), unacceptable in church, even unacceptable in ASAN (for being too politically conservative). Honestly, I am currently an angry, bitter, lonely recluse, and that’s what everybody wants me to be. They only want me to go away. Is it any wonder I am an Angry Autistic Woman?

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3 thoughts on “April Post 10: Meet the Angry Autistic Woman ”

  1. I’m sorry for your anger but it sounds quite justified. I hope youmcan ley.go of this some time but I know it’s hard to shed that kind of baggage when so many people have been adding to it and giving you reason to carry it.
    In the meantime just keep telling random people to @#$& off when you’re alone until they begin to get the message. 🙂

  2. Ah, yes. You described my high school years to a T-right down to theater. ( saw that episode, too. 🙂 ) I understand anger. I have a lot myself. I also understand not wanting to feel it. It can unfortunately become a burden to weigh us down. Finding healthy ways to release it is not easy and, for everyone, their way may look different than the next. For me, I write. Or, I might crank up my “angry” music and clean the daylights out of something. I say let the obscenities fly when you are on your own, if it helps you get your feelings out. And keep sharing here. 🙂

  3. Hi Cambria,
    Your blog is currently included on our Actually Autistic Blogs List (anautismobserver.wordpress.com). Please personalize your blog’s description by selecting “About the list/How do you want your blog listed?” from the top menu.
    Thank you.
    Judy (An Autism Observer)

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