A Tale of Lost Beauty

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth
oh nevermind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked…

Read more: Baz Luhrmann – Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Take a look at this girl. Isn’t she pretty?  

mypic1-1

The girl had no clue. 

The truth is, this is a picture of me in my teens. At the time, I did not measure up to the skinny beauties of Kate Moss and Cindy Crawford. I was a curvy girl. At the time, it was either ultra-skinny, like Kate Moss, skinny with boobs, like Cindy Crawford, and fat. There were no Kardashians; there were no Ashley Grahams. There were no models to see that I was acceptable, and no way I could be pretty at the time.  

Now I look at the Kardashians, and at Ashley Graham, and I am jealous that I am not younger. I am jealous that I did not have the chance to be pretty just by being myself. 

I’m forty now. Who knows how much potential was wasted because I did not deem myself acceptable? My mother and I live together, and I have little chance of getting out. I have no children. Of course, that is probably my fault. I vowed to have no children because I did not want them to go through the bullying I went through. (I even broke up with a boyfriend due to bullying in younger years.) I guess the bullies won in my life. Maybe I am a cautionary tale. Maybe I am not supposed to have children.  

Maybe I had to actually see my beauty after it had faded to really appreciate it. Sad thing is, maybe if I knew I was pretty, I would have taken better care of myself.

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Motorized Scooter Logistics in a Restaurant

I do not go into the handicapped bathroom stall anymore, unless it’s an emergency and it’s the only one available. The reason is simple: what if my mother needed it? Or somebody else in a wheelchair or motorized scooter? I’ve seen a selfie taken of a girl who used the bathroom with the door open because she uses a wheelchair, with a man WALKING out of the handicapped stall nearby. But, taking care of my mother who uses the motorized scooter to go out to eat, I can’t think of going to a place without considerable disruption. The issue is this: The scooter, when put together, is three feet long by twenty inches wide, by three feet high. We chose a scooter which can be taken apart so we can drive a reasonably sized car and put it in the trunk. Anyway, there is considerable disruption with using a motorized scooter when we go out to eat.  

First, we have to make sure we can get in the door. First, is there a step or a ramp? Then, can we fit in the door? And then the second door? This is not an easy task, especially here in Kentucky, where we can encounter one door, with a small hallway, and a second door, even before we can get into the actual restaurant. What if the second door faces a different direction than the first door? That eliminates most Waffle House locations, and especially our local one, which is the only one less than twenty miles away. I haven’t been to a Waffle House in three years due to logistics complications. We try to get to as many locations as we can, though. We try not to complain. 

Then, there is the seating. We usually have to use a table, which I do not mind, but when they remove a seat for my mom to sit at said table, they usually have to be told to remove a second seat. Do you know how embarrassing it is to ask for what you need, especially when you have people looking around at you with disdain? Sometimes, you have to remove the seats yourself. It’s usually easier that way, though. That way, you don’t feel like you’re being a pain.   

After the seating debacle, we can order food and eat, but then comes the restroom visit. Keep in mind, my mother’s motorized scooter is twenty inches wide. Most restaurant restrooms barely have enough room for her to get to the handicapped restroom, let alone in the stall. And what if the handicapped stall is being used? She has to get off the scooter, with some difficulty, and let it potentially block the other stalls to use a regular stall. As you can see, most of the time, my mother waits until she can get home to use the restroom. 

I try not to complain too much. Sometimes, though, I can see a clear injustice in poor logistics planning, especially around the disabled. Living with somebody that uses a scooter or wheelchair kind of opens your mind.  

Comparing Notes

Well, I’ve been going through my autistic Facebook groups, and I came across a Neurodiversity test. 

Here is the link: 

http://www.rdos.net/eng/  

Here is my result: 

NeurodiversityTestChart

It was introduced as: “You are likely neurodiverse.” (Tell me something I don’t know.) Much of the group activities consist of comparing notes as to our experiences. We can generally figure out autism for ourselves this way. Being diagnosed younger than most of my female autistics, I am all too happy to help. These notes are very helpful for many of us. 

The note comparing can be helpful for relating to those not of our ilk, as well. Trouble is, much of our information is largely ignored by neurotypicals, especially neurotypicals who are trying to make us into neurotypicals. Trouble with those people is, all they’ll get is fakery and autistic bitterness. We need this information to get out into the parents of autistic children.  The trouble is this: can they accept that autistics themselves can tell you of an experience from the inside? Or does that previous question blow their minds?  

Lumped in With a Mass Murderer

About the Parkland, Florida shooter being autistic: There are now people or gangs of people who will come up to me and ask me what it’s like to be a potential mass murderer, all because I am autistic. It has happened before, and due to human nature to condemn needlessly, it will happen again. How does that feel, they ask? It feels awful. I feel blamed for something I never intend to do. My family grew up hating guns. Sure, they won’t stop a person from defending themselves with a handgun, they see that. But to violate and invalidate my rights while people are potentially out to get me is wrong.  

I feel that because the Florida shooter was autistic, and I am autistic too, people are now out to get me. That is textbook paranoia. I am now feeling paranoid. 

Are you happy now?  

A Multi-Gun Standoff

There was a massive school shooting in Florida. Everybody is up in arms. I can hear the desperation in everybody’s voices.

“TAKING AWAY GUNS SAVES LIVES!!!!’

“ARMING EVERYBODY SAVES LIVES!!!!!”

I’m still processing this information, processing a real response. It seems that now everybody either has a gun or has a gun pointed at their heads in America. American living now looks like this:

Scratcher-Mexican-Stand-Off.jpgYes, this is what we call a “Mexican Standoff.” I call it a multi-gun standoff.

But the question I have for everybody carrying on the gun debate:

-Is a multi-gun standoff really the best you can do, NRA people?

My Fuzzy Valentine

OK, let’s get silly for a minute. It has come to my attention that I don’t have a someone to love and love me this Valentine’s Day. Or tdo I? Let’s see the requirements for me:

1. A male (This is MY requirements list.)

2. A heart full of love

3. A handsome look

4. Good character

5. Good Natured

Let’s see….

Bear

Close enough. He IS cute.