April Post 10: Meet the Angry Autistic Woman 

Looking over my behavior when I am alone, it disturbs me. I swear, I give obscene gestures to random people that are not there, and I am a constant simmering volcano of emotion. I don’t know where all this anger comes from. My mother does not know about this  I don’t like being an angry woman. I don’t like wanting to explode at people all the time. I don’t like having to relive every single day simmering at the edges, and literally stuffing down my emotions with anything I can find in order, like ice cream, to protect everyone else from my feelings.

But, when I look over all the injustice that I received as an autistic person, I get why I am so angry. The rage I feel inside when I see anything that reminds me of my childhood is unbearable at best. Tonight, I saw an episode of “The Goldbergs” which revolved around theater. I never really fit in anywhere in high school, not even theater. I even tried to spell it “theatre” in order to fit in. Then, as I learned later, I was made fun of behind my back for talking to myself. There is a post about that called “Facebook and the Mellaril Nightmare” if you want to read about it. Truth is, the only time I ever really felt accepted in school was on Grad Night. I guess everybody was trying to make a good last impression. Truth be told, I was finally relaxed and relieved that it was all ending.

I spent years trying to find love and acceptance, because I was always unacceptable. I was unacceptable in class, unacceptable with friends, unacceptable in theater (pretentious snobs!), unacceptable in church, even unacceptable in ASAN (for being too politically conservative). Honestly, I am currently an angry, bitter, lonely recluse, and that’s what everybody wants me to be. They only want me to go away. Is it any wonder I am an Angry Autistic Woman?

April Post 8: Meet Julia 

This is a reaction post: I must admit I haven’t seen Sesame Street in a long time.  

10:32 – Julia is not taking greeting very well. She seems to be rubbing Big Bird a little wrong.

10:33 – They’re explaining Julia’s autism to Big Bird in very simple terms.

“Play, play, play!” Is her first real line. She’s very sweet.

10:35 – Uh-oh – sirens. She’s holding her ears. A little insight: it’s apparent to Julia that sirens are much louder to her. It’s common for an autistic person to experience things more or less.

10:38 – Big Bird is getting that people are different from each other. Elmo seems to get Julia a little more, as does Abby.

10:40 – They’re singing about differences, and friendship.

10:42 – They’ve changed things a bit. Now they introduce the Letter of the Day with a song. Cool. By the way, its “F” for Friendship.

10:43 – Boy, this is FAST. We’re now in a segment about friendship. I’ve forgotten how quickly the child’s brain processes information – at least with Sesame Street.

10:45 – “Hey, come play with me” is a great song.

10:46 – Now were learning how to take turns with the Two Headed Monster.

10:47 – How Many Cookies Today? 2!

10:48 – Now Elmo and Abby are learning to count to 2.

10:49 – A song about 2!

10:50 – Whew! I have to go FAST.

10:51 – Now we’ve got Smarty the Smartphone. And we’re talking about friends. (I’m sensing a theme here.)  Now they’re playing Tic Tac Toe.

10:54 – A man and dog teaching how to play with a friend.

10:55 – Elmo is doing the Happy Dance Dance. 🙂

10:56 – Big Bird and Julia are now good friends. Goodbye NOW?! (That’s OK. It only lasts for a half hour.)

10:58 – Roll Credits – with a song!

I’m happy Julia has made the jump to TV Sesame Street. If Julia or some type of autistic child had been around Sesame Street as a kid, maybe I would have been more accepted instead of teased for being a crybaby. (To be honest, I’m getting jealous of autistic kids today. They’re having opportunities for love and acceptance I never did.)  

I guess you have to start the acceptance and friendship with different people REALLY young. Hopefully, they’ll get the message one day.

I haven’t got the skills to detect if Julia is stereotypical or just right at the moment; I’ll make a more informed decision soon.

Expectation vs. Reality: Valentine’s Day 2017 –

Via Daily Prompt: Expectation

Let’s get one thing straight: Often, reality does not meet expectation, let alone surpass it. I was expecting to be attached to somebody romantically this Valentine’s Day, but I’m not, for example. To me, though, expectation is no big deal. I can deal with a single Valentine’s Day. I have been for years. There is a no-worry plan to deal with Valentine’s Day, or as some singles like to call it, Singles Awareness Day.

1) Drop expectations – What do you have to worry about if you don’t have anyone to expect anything from? You’re totally free from it. I mean, sure, your friends or family may have something to celebrate or expect, but you, don’t worry about it. There is nothing to tether you to expectation.

2) Surround yourself with things and people you love – I’ve done it already this morning: I’ve got my new Doctor Strange Funko mug. I’ve already got my chocolate, my coffee, my favorite pajamas, and my later plans to go out to lunch with my mother, whom I love dearly. Love is the theme of the day; surround yourself with people and things for it.

3) Don’t get bitter – Why get bitter? Maybe you don’t have what they call a “soul mate.” Besides, the “soulmate” theory came from a belief that the human soul was divided into two genders, male and female. I’m not going to get into it, but I believe 1+1=2. You are a whole, complete person by yourself. Besides, would you really want to be in a relationship where the person abuses you because you don’t want to be alone? You know there’s various caveats to that, and that’s one of them. Besides, just because your life hasn’t worked out right doesn’t mean others haven’t either.

4) Celebrate others’ relationships – There are plenty of people to whom Valentine’s Day has a more special significance. For example, my own parents were married on Valentine’s Day. Find someone who has this kind of significance – like a birthday, perhaps? People were born today, too. But I digress. Sometimes you have to absorb another’s positive energy, sometimes you don’t. Don’t worry about it.

I hope I may have been helpful with some suggestions in dealing with this day, if you are having trouble.

ADDENDUM (8:15 p.m.):

My experiment actually worked. We went out to a pretty good place to eat, and I realized this: I could eat onion. (Onion curls, but I digress.) I survived this day just fine.


Hey, Look Over Here! I’m a Usable Resource!

I just saw a news interview from my local Autism Society (of the Bluegrass) for their Autism Walk. I’m not involved with the Autism Society as much as my mother used to be…but I believe their hearts are in the right place. My mother and I did not have a good initial meeting with them, but I would like to be more involved, because I realize they have the best of intentions for people like me. Here is why:

  1. When the newscaster said “eradicate” autism, it was not further discussed. That is a viewpoint I respect.
  2. The leaders involved seem to push supports and involvement in society.
  3. They mentioned there is still very little true information out there on autism, since autism is still very unknown (except by us autistic adults and children).
  4. They did not mention the debates on causes.
I may be just some autistic adult, but I think I can give them insider information as a resource usually not exploited, which is the autistic adult. Granted, I do not have a psychology degree, but that hopefully will soon be remedied. What I have, however, is a voice and a life which has been affected, negatively AND positively by autism. Why don’t the psychologists and parents ask us autistic people what we are thinking, instead of trying to guess? We have the insight you guys are looking for, and most of us are verbal, and will tell you. This begs the question, how will you find us? Don’t worry; many of us will tell you about our autism when it becomes relevant.
Ask me anything about autism. Chances are, I know a few things.

Where Were You? Hurricane Katrina Edition

On this day in 2005, hurricane Katrina made landfall as a Category 3 storm, breaking levees, flooding neighborhoods, and killing 1,833 people. Let that sink into your head a bit. Do you remember where you were ten years ago? I do.

I was in California, watching all of this on T.V. as it happened. I was at home from my job, so it was a Monday or Tuesday. I watched and prayed for the entire city of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast in general. I knew hurricanes were an annual thing which peaked at about this time, but what I learned was that the city of New Orleans was willfully unprepared for the tragedy it was facing as time wore on. There were rumors of violence in the Superdome, which were later disproved. People chanted and screamed for help. When help did finally arrive, it was almost always overwhelmed. Families were shoving and throwing their children on buses to nearby Houston and other places. I was literally numb with pain for all of those people, and due to the largely black makeup of New Orleans’ lower classes, I always wonder: if this were an earthquake in Beverly Hills, a mostly white and rich area, would the response be more effective because it was a mostly white and rich area?

We almost lost our respect for authority in those times. One rapper even said, “George Bush don’t care about black people,” which is literally untrue and the lowest point in the administration. I don’t think the problems with the Katrina disaster could have been solved through George W. alone, just like Hurricane Sandy’s problems could not be solved through Obama alone. In a disaster, it is usually a

Ten years later, I have decided to write about Katrina because I am seeing the uneven recovery that New Orleans is experiencing. Much of the Lower 9th Ward, a lower-class neighborhood, lies in ruins, while the French Quarter is better than ever. It makes me wonder if we still treat the poor like trash, when this should not be. New Orleans is rebuilding, but can it survive another Katrina? Will the government make these things sure? It shudders me to think that maybe this might not happen in time. I care a lot about the poor and disadvantaged, because they are getting frustrated again, and might turn to feared and hated ideologies in order to meet their needs. This happened in Russia; it can happen here.

Weird Questions

Ugh…I’ve been in a funk the past few days. There is so much negativity going through my head. Somehow, every month, I get a series of such weird questions. I don’t know where they come from. Here are a few examples:

1) Will I be enough to please my man when I finally get to him?

2) Why is a woman’s worth only in her looks on the arm of a man? In short, why is a woman a purse?

3) Will I even have a man who won’t harm me?

4) Am I even destined for a man? I’m pushing 40 and haven’t found a husband yet.

Where do these thoughts even come from? I thought I was a feminist, strong enough to stand on my own without a man. It was not until recently that I even thought of having children. (Long story short, autistic children get bullied. I have PTSD by bullying. Therefore, in order to avoid kids getting PTSD, I will not have children to pass my autism to. Capiche?) Where are those thoughts coming from? I told my mother I did not want children, and she respects that, so the pressure is not coming from her. The troubling thing is, is it coming from me? That troubles me greatly. I thought I was beyond this. I thought I was beyond wanting to get married and pop out units every nine months. What’s wrong with me? Am I a hypocrite?

Autistic Utopia Concerns

I was recently moved by In My Autistic Utopia by my fellow blogger, “autisticliving” about certain traits considering a dominantly autistic society. They are a basic list of problems which would be solved if autistics ran the world. These are basic things, like “You get to work and live in a sensory environment that fits you and doesn’t overload you” and “Special interests are encouraged and actively used in education.” These are basic, but it got me thinking: how would different people be treated in this autistic utopia? For instance, would we autistics be going around inventing “Pervasive Allistic Disorder,” for example? Would we classify that they would be “obsessed with looking into the eyes,” and “excessive talking,” for example? Would we be obsessed with “finding a cure for allism” and saying that the Allistic population was “missing”? Would we mock them because they had not the concentration to give to a special interest? It troubles me to think of such a world, where people are ridiculed for being different. This world is too much like our own world, where we autistic people are treated so poorly. I read that 81% of us were unemployed. I figured that would be true, simply because I am unemployed, even though I held down a job for six years. I also learned that some people will not hire autistic people. What are they afraid of – that autism is contagious? It is certainly not contagious, or the entire population would have “caught” it already. Are we too focused, and can beat them in their own games, because it might be our special interest? People, making another type of person dominant is not the answer. It is human nature to fear and hate the different. This might have served some strange purpose in the past, but it does not serve our society now. Prejudice and discrimination do not serve people anymore. I hate to say it, but working to make your particular neurotype, age, race, or even gender the dominant one makes you no better than the violent, bigoted Ku Klux Klan. Dominating only creates corruption. An accepting society where all are welcome is what we need to strive for, and that may only be achieved through understanding, compassion and love.