The Gun: An American God

DISCLAIMER: I am not saying the gun is a god. I’m saying the gun is worshipped like a god. I only give the “God” a capital letter in the title to follow grammatical rules.

I am not being silly.

There is or has just been a mass shooting in El Paso at the Cielo Vista Mall. Just one building away from another mass shooting three years ago.

I’m getting a terrible reality emerging from all these mass shootings.

The only thing people in Congress and the NRA seem to want to protect is not people.

What they want to protect is guns.

They seem to worship guns.

Let me tell you why:

The people who only protect guns put their faith in guns.

The gun seems to assuage their fears.

The gun is trusted.

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” That’s what they say.

The gun has its dreams put into it.

They believe the gun will save them in a time of need.

They put their hopes into the gun.

They put their dreams into the gun.

They put their fears into the gun.

They put their faith into the gun.

They worship the gun.

That is why I say that the gun is an American God.

But what I have learned over the years, is that the gun is a false God.

What if the gun jams?

What if the gun backfires?

What if the bad guy is a quicker draw than you?

There are so many things you forget about guns.

Guns are really a metal weapon. It is just like any other weapon.

I’m not saying we should not defend ourselves.

What I am saying is that we are putting too much hope and faith in the gun, and not enough hope and faith in God to protect us. (I’m not going to get into the debate of whose god is the right one. I’m saying we need less faith in the gun.)

Why do you have such faith in the gun?

Where is your faith in God?

NOW, I Emerge from Grief Hopefully

Hi, guys. I know it’s been a while. I thought I would never get back to you and my blog. That’s how powerful my grief has been.

I thought it would be a lot of crying, but strangely, it’s not. I wish I would have cried for my mother more. I mean, seriously, she was my mother!

But then again, I noticed a very dirty storage and laundry room in my apartment. So far, I have cleared out a mountain of trash.

Want a look?

Shocking, I know. But I was not aware of the level of grief I was in until recently.

So, here’s what has been going on since I last posted:

I returned to membership in my church, I took care of my dog, and I have changed a LOT about my Christmas decorations. (That’s for another post.) Anyway, the creditors have roped me into paying eighty five dollars a month of my money, which was not cool. Plus, I have gotten rid of cable. See, there’s plenty of channels available through antenna. Currently, my rabbit ears are sitting behind the Wise Men on my entertainment center, but I think it’s going well.

Also, my dog is now blind from cataracts. I don’t think I can do anything for his cataracts, but I can help him not bump into anything. He’s still my “baby,” though. We don’t get rid of sweeties for blindness. (At least I don’t.) All in all, I feel like I am now finally emerging from a terrible grief I did not even know had this power on me. (I might have spoken too soon, though; I’ll keep you posted.) So, that has been what has been keeping me from the blog. I do apologize; I promise to do some more soon.

Rising from Depression

I am sorry, guys. Since my mother passed away, I have been quite depressed. Last Sunday was the first time I put on makeup in three months. I mean, I don’t depend on makeup to look good, but it helps. Anyway, it’s time to get back into the swing of things.

Who wants to do more than barely function? Not me, anyway. I’m getting back, slowly but surely. I have been doing basic survival things, like keeping the house clean and eating, but it’s all I’ve been doing. Fortunately, knowing this is half the battle.

I’ve done a few money saving moves. First, I’ve turned off the cable. I barely watch TV as is, so why pay for it? I’m thinking about selling a few things on eBay to get some extra cash. I got a flu shot a month ago. According to the people who administered it, it will stay through February. I hope it will, too. I’ll get my house in better shape, and just keep swimming.

I’ll keep you posted.

A Bedbug Crisis

Just wanted to update you guys on what I have been doing. I’ve been going to church, taking care of my dog and my household, and dealing with a series of crises. It’s weird; life without my mother has been crisis after crisis.

The most recent crisis has been bedbugs. We had them last summer, but somehow, they have roared back. I had to get rid of my mattress, box spring, and couch. That seemed to be the key to conquering them. Only yesterday have I gotten these things replaced. Fortunately, I have been able to do this without having to inspect for bedbugs in yard sale items. (My cousin got them for me, but don’t expect a money handout from them.)

My brain is currently blocking me from remembering any other crises. That’s weird.

You Think Aversions Suck for You? Try Being the One With It!

Okay, maybe I’m getting a little too forward, but I’m not in a good mood. There is a new aversion I want to get rid of, but there is no way I know of.

A little background: An aversion is something an autistic person cannot stand, even possibly to the point of physical rejection from the body. Here’s what’s going on:

I love coffee. I would drink multiple cups of coffee for the taste. Put a little syrup and milk in it, perfect.

But now, I have developed an aversion to the bitterness in hot coffee. The first sign of this was when I was in Sunday School, drinking my usual cup of coffee, I began to feel nauseous. Eventually, I had to run to the bathroom in order to vomit. Fortunately, I made it. There was a lot of concern, but I did not get it.

Eventually, I learned that my body would not accept any form of coffee except cold brew, due to the bitterness in all other forms of coffee.

Now, for a coffee lover, this is terrible. But I am going to drink cold brew for as long as I can, because I am going to fight this aversion tooth and nail.

My Mother: The Conclusion

I know it’s been a while. I’ve been taking care of a lot of business.

First, the bad news. My mother has passed away.

She died on a hot Sunday in June. They called me in quick, and I was able to go in and hold her hand as she passed on. Her body was so bruised, and everything was shutting down. The last time I saw her before that, she was too tired to even open her eyes. So, my siblings and I made a decision to let her pass peacefully. Fortunately, she left with a weak smile on her face.

When the body starts to shut down, there is little one can do to stop it. Also, my mother would never want to be a vegetable. She had a hard time being disabled in her last years. But she made the best of it.

Since my mother had been moved to a nursing home months ago, I have been working things out here on my own. I’m doing okay, I think. I’ve already been through several crises, so there is no need to worry about how I would act in one. That is something I am now pleased with.

My mother wanted to be cremated – and she was. Her ashes are currently in a prominent place on my entertainment center, in a beautiful box urn. I need to talk to my brother about what to do with those ashes, because she talked about it frequently. Anyway, I am now not completely alone. There are several people my neighborhood, church and family looking out for me.

There are some things coming about that seem kind of weird to me. Sometimes, when something interesting happens, I think, “I have got to tell my mom – ” and then I remember. Sometimes, I find myself talking to the ashes as if she is there.

But the big thing is, I haven’t cried like I felt I should. I mean, this is my mother! What’s wrong with me? I cry about everything. Maybe it won’t be so obvious to others, but I thought I would cry more, like I did when other family members passed on. I don’t understand.

Life isn’t exactly stopped for me, but I do feel the void left by my mother’s passing.

What am I Up To?

Well, let’s see: I am in limbo in planting my annuals here in Kentucky. Those who were born and raised here say to wait until after the Derby of Mother’s Day, so that’s one factor. Also, I am having trouble figuring out what to get my mother for Mother’s Day – if anything.

The thing is, the only thing my mother wants me to get her is a trip back home to be with me. Also, there is very little she wants – she is allergic to most scents, for one, and she just wants to wear the outfit she is coming home in from the care facility. So, what can I do to help her? She needs a bed and a set of sheets, as well, if she is going to come home. Plus, the home wants to get an investigation started if she does come home. They tried it when I first tried to get her out of there. Anywho, I’m just wondering what would be nice for her to celebrate the occasion. Maybe a couple of Pepsi’s and an hour of my time? I’ll do that!

My dog cannot stop itching. He hates baths, but I can get him into one anyway. I’m just concerned I am missing something. He has had flea treatment, and is due for his next monthly dose, but is it something else? I don’t know. He also hates the allergic dermatitis spray I got him, and I can’t afford to take him to the local vet, either. Is there something I can do for him?

Anyhow, I’m just sharing what’s on my mind.

It’s Been a While

Yes, it’s been a while, guys.

I have not been very inspired to write.

I’ll tell you what I’ve been up to.

I visit my mother twice a month, since I cannot afford all the Uber rides. For the distance I must go, it is literally 35-40 dollars one way. I think I have found a way around it to shave off about ten dollars each way, though. I only get to a spot just inside the city, and take the public transportation system. It mostly consists of buses. A light rail system is not available. I’m hoping a bicycle is in my future or learning to drive.

I have also been keeping things as clean as possible at my home. My mother is trying to come home, but there are circumstances that will not let her. For one, she is bedridden. For another, the place she is at keeps taking her check, and it’s substantial. Third, I need one of those adjustable beds to get her, but I can barely make it outside on my own, let alone get a good bed with my payments. Anyway, I’m still working on making a decision for her and me. I don’t know if I could be good enough to take care of her the way she needs. (How much is a home care nurse, by the way?)

Anyway, I have also been fighting depression and stress due to all of this. Just keep me in your prayers, if you pray. I would like that. Thank you for listening.

Cambria Jenkins

Keep Talking, Someone Really is Listening

It is so rare that I have something positive to report about the state of the autistic person. The Centers for Disease Control released a report that there was a rise in autism diagnoses. The new ratio is 1 autistic in 36 children. This seems to be more in line with the high rates in New Jersey that I reported on earlier in time.

Here is the article: https://www.today.com/health/autism-prevalence-increase-cdc-study-rcna76233

The article on the Today Show site stated several times that the cause of the rise in autism diagnoses is unclear, whether it is due to some environmental factor, or whether it is due to universal autism screening at certain ages, implemented only in 2008, but if you are a regular reader of mine, you will notice I am on team universal screening. This reason seems the most in line with a genetic cause. As I have stated before, there are a lot of factors that point to potential autism in the distant past, such as the legend of the fairy changeling. Basically, the fairy changeling behaviors often line up with autistic behaviors, such as rocking and singing to oneself. These children were usually left in the woods to die off. As autism is now diagnosed, this is no longer the case. Another Whether you have eccentric relatives, or your family was plagued with fairy changelings, there is evidence of autism in the past.

This was the first thing reported in the Today 3rd Hour show. I watch it out of routine, which my fellow autistics and I find a lot of comfort in. There was a lot of discussion about why, which the CDC reporter believes is universal screening and diagnosis, which I mentioned earlier. Also, there was discussion about who was getting diagnosed. In other words, children of color were getting their diagnosis by universal screening twice as much as white children. I applaud this development. We need to find the autistic children out there, no matter what they look like, so we can help them, too.

What I really noticed was Sheinelle Jones’s behavior. She displayed the shift that is now coming in parents of autistic children, and it is due to us, that instead of the panicky mindset of “OH NO! My child is autistic!” the new thoughts coming on are “Okay, my child is autistic. What can we do about it?” This is where I find most of the hope I am displaying here. I believe that shift is coming because of bloggers and autistic activists like yours truly. This is why I am saying to keep talking. People are listening.

While I do not recommend the conversion therapy-style tactics of ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis), I do recommend speech therapy and stim allowance. I also recommend that society be taught about the troubles autistic people go through, and various types of behavior used to cope with a world that often comes at them like fifty fast-moving freight trains at once. The world needs us autistic activists and bloggers. Keep talking, someone is listening.

Musings, March 21, 2023

I have been busy transitioning from a comfortable income to a level of poverty. I went from roughly $3000 in monthly funds for two people, to $1275. I’m still recovering from the overdrafts of last month. (Do NOT deal with Rocket Money unless you can afford a hefty payment for the month.) Anyway, I’ve got some big changes to the system of the food purchases I need. Apparently, over $1200 in income is too much for a decent amount of SNAP benefits. I’m considering a part-time job in a place I can walk to, such as the nearby Arby’s, Dairy Queen, clothing or grocery stores, and maybe use my Peer Specialist Certification to get a job. (Unfortunately, I may need a driver’s license, which I have never had.) Maybe they’ll relent on the driver’s license requirement, who knows? I’ll have to see. It may take away my Social Security Disability, but maybe I can use my disability and mental illness (autism and depression) to help others.

Anyway, I’m off to my mother’s convalescent home progress meeting, so I’ll keep you guys updated.

The Worst Part of the Blizzard Is….

You guys are going to hate me. You know how they say in southern California that the best part of winter is watching the snow from California? Unfortunately, the script has kind of flipped.

The worst part of winter this year in Kentucky, is watching the weather from hot and sunny Kentucky. Granted, the hot days are just about over for now, but I wore shorts today. Normally, that is a southern California thing. Now, Los Angeles is bracing for a blizzard warning. (Seriously?) And here in Kentucky, we’re going to “freeze” because the temperature is going to drop back down to normal. I think I’m going to hear a lot of complaints tomorrow. Truth be told, I’m more comfortable putting on my heavy coat and jeans this time of year because it doesn’t feel like the planet is trying to kill us off for its own survival somehow. It kind of feels right to wear a heavy coat in February. So, I just put the coat on and go about my business. I’ll simply do that tomorrow with gratitude. But I digress.

I was saying that watching the blizzard from Kentucky is the worst part of this blizzard, not the best. Contrary to popular belief, I have a LOT of empathy. I especially have empathy for people who live where we get a lot of snow. Some people are laughing at me, but even Kentucky has had some foot-high snow in the time I have lived here-several times. But what can you do, except feel for these people? A previous post shows I am overdrawn, but that is none of the business of the people currently digging themselves out of a blizzard. I wish I could go up and help them dig out. That is why I say watching the snow from a location warm and remote is the worst part of the blizzard.

Anyway, I hope there is something I can do for those people in the snow.